You know it’s going to be awful already, don’t you? Yeah. It’s the same old same old… it’s like I think that if I write it down enough times, I’ll finally figure out an answer.
Okay, so I was in the bathroom here at the Arts & Industries building in Florence, MA, home of [employer] and a lot of artist’s studios. There is someone in the building who plays recordings of piano music now and then. I don’t think it is an actual pianist in one of these studios, or if it is, I have never figured out where they are. Anyway, they were playing it today. I hadn’t heard it in a while, and it was very nice. I couldn’t hear it quite clearly enough to tell what the piece was, just a few notes here and there. It took me back to music school—practice rooms always active, even in the middle of the night. There was no place in the building you could go without hearing some sort of music floating through the air, and usually there were multiple things at once. Lots of people would try to tune it out, but I always enjoyed the chaos of it—the challenge of trying to pick out one melody from the din, and the further challenge of losing it again once I had isolated it. I miss that. I really miss that. I stayed in the bathroom a little longer than necessary, just listening to the scattered notes, trying to make them into something whole.
It got me thinking, as I sometimes do, about missing music and wishing I had an outlet for it. I’ve whined about this a million times, so do feel free to skip this one. I’ve whined about not having gotten certification to teach Dalcroze Eurythmics when I had the chance. “So why don’t you just get it now, you whiny baby?” you may be asking. See, it’s been years since my initial training, so I would probably need to do quite a bit of it over again, and the people I’d really want to learn from (Marta Sanchez and any of her disciples) are in Pittsburgh, which is not anything close to practical at the moment. So that’s out. I’m a good singer, I know this. I’ve been told enough times by the people I used to work and study with, but I’m not a voice teacher and I don’t think I’d be a good one. I would be a good coach. I’m really good with coaching people on repertoire, but I am not a pianist by any means, and most coaches do double-duty. It would be difficult to both find a pianist to work with and also convince people that they should pay enough for both of us. So I’m really not sure what on earth I could do that would put me back in that environment, aside from going back to school myself, which would require me to PAY money instead of paying ME money. For a person who wants to buy a house and have a child, this is not really workable. And so I continue to whine.
I just can’t figure things out. I’m 34 years old, shouldn’t I have some clue about what I want to be when I grow up by now? I don’t miss my old career—not at all. If I was going to get back into professional theater, I would want to be on the non-performing side of things. I do miss music school, but what do I really do about that? I don’t really want to go back as a student, so what, do I just hang around? Heh. I miss music. I miss classical music much more than musical theater or folk. I miss Poulenc and Kodály and Bartók and Prokofiev. I miss Brahms and Ravel. I miss Mozart. I miss Bach. I miss hanging out with people who care about any of that music. I miss being in the middle of it—letting it wash over me and through me, and feeling it’s vibrations in my throat while my ears are filled with it. Then again, I never liked the people in the professional music world, and I doubt I would like them any better now. I don’t know.
So what the hell do I do with myself? I want to do everything and feel qualified for nothing. I’ve been a singer, an actress, a computer technician, an administrator, and I feel like I’ve done it all half-assed—or maybe all of it but the singing. Like I never took anything far enough to be really WORTH anything. I’m not good enough at any of the non-performing stuff to really do it in an environment I could enjoy. Even singing, the one thing in the world I know I do well, I’m unsure of now just because it has been so long. I mean, on one hand, I don’t think it goes away. The instrument is still intact. But it is seriously rusty, even for folk music. Was I right to quit musical theater when I did? I think so. I have to think so. But it’s hard to know these days. I made a hell of a lot of money doing it, and I had a lot of control over the direction of my own career. I have no desire to go back, but I can’t figure out what on earth I’m here for now. It was maybe the only thing I had a chance of being GREAT at.
*whine whine whine* God, I can barely stand the sound of my own voice. I’ll stop now and spare you all. Ugh.