I had an unpleasant dream that woke me up around 4am. I think I’ve talked about this before, but there is a recurring theme in many of my dreams. I never took psychology, but I suspect it means that I am a very needy person who wants attention, which is, well, pathetic and embarrassing. I frequently dream about situations in which I am attempting to get people to listen to me about something I feel is important. It is usually one or more of my “safe” people… mom, dad, sister, husband, close friends, with some others on the side. I try to tell them whatever it is and they either ignore me or laugh or smile in an insufferably smug manner. In the end I usually end up screaming at them to attempt to force my point, often resorting to some sort of violence, like pushing or shaking or hitting them (occasionally stabbing them, but y’know). I really dislike myself at this point in the dream. I’m usually feeling great humiliation and shame for my behavior, whether I’ve gotten violent or am just throwing a childish tantrum, but once I’ve reached this level of agitation, I can’t stop no matter how much I despise myself for it.
Last night’s dream was just another of these. I was in a house with my parents, sister and some other people- trying to tell them something important (I don’t honestly remember what). They ignored me and I ended up screaming and making an ass of myself trying to get them to listen. This time, however, I was so ashamed of myself that I shut myself up in a room, and then in another room that was within that room, locking the doors behind me. Just before I woke up, I heard them coming into the first room after me and was terrified at the thought of them finding me.
So. Why wouldn’t I want them to come after me, when what I’ve wanted all along is for them to pay attention? Makes no sense. Plus, there was this additional element of me attempting to trim my fingernails with clippers, succeeding only in ripping them to bits, as I couldn’t seem to clip them properly at all. It was unpleasant.